Shonan Beach Series: When Rogue Waves Attack

My friend Minoru Miyamoto ordered the sandbags to be deployed to protect the shops.

The waves were rough as fuck today- thanks to the over hyped Typhoon Halong all the way on the other side of Japan. A state of calamity had been declared in the Miura Peninsula, as well as in Enoshima and Hayama beaches- which were closed to the public. Yuigahama beach was open as all the lifeguards were sent there to concentrate on safety. No swimming or wading was allowed due to the strong riptides. 

They should have taken Minoru's stern warnings more seriously.

 The waves came in several times and went all the way up to the main road- about 50 meters farther than they should. The water damage was costly. Hundreds of stubborn beach goers- who demanded access even though their lives were at risk, lost their smartphones and electronics that were on the beach at the time. Despite the constant warnings to go to higher ground or just go the fuck home, the stubborn youth kept returning.

It's all fun and games until you Beats by Dre bluetooth speaker gets soaked by salt water.

Kanagawa Parks and Beaches Director of Medical and Safety Services, Minoru Miyamoto (48) shared some information with me.

“The way a tsunami spreads is not uniform, exacerbated or dissipated likely by refractive and diffractive effects from near shore bathymetry or even constructive interference like rogue waves. However, tsunamis are normally nothing like these rogue waves we see today, like the one in the Poseidon Adventure or something. 

Today's conditions are as treacherous as they get- It may be what Kanagawa needs... We need a big wave to come wash away all the scumbags and garbage you see down here- especially over at Enoshima. Wash that scum out to sea and start new. A clean slate. I can only dream."

This ganko bitch assesses her damages.

Minoru really knows his science and oceanography shit. 

"Years ago in Phuket, the wave didn't come rolling in as a massive wall of water, but rather it appeared as the surface of the ocean just rose to a much higher level than normal, causing a massive flood that rushed inland that fucked up a lot of shit in it's way. It might actually be better to think of tsunamis as a rapidly rising tide.” 

Just when they thought they were extra safe.

 

The wheelchair contingent of Shonan Beach are a  real nuisance on days like this. Some waves are huge, and can reach the main road from time to time, and the lifeguards have to worry about them being sucked out to sea.  In addition, the beach has limited paved road and getting these wheelchairs onto the beach is a real nightmare for the lifeguards, who are obligated to help them on and off the beach- and to the toilets, at their command. As if they don't have enough to worry about with the unstable water conditions, drunks, sexual assaults in the water and restrooms, heatstroke, theft, and patching up the countless injuries caused by broken glass in the sand.

These plodding cripples are a real pain in Minoru's tight ass today.

The briliant, buff and handsome Minoru really opened up about his feelings,

"Speaking as distinguished and educated man, my understaffed lifeguards have their hands full as it is. They need schmucks in wheelchairs barking orders at them like they need a hole in the head. Crippled and handicap-able are words we made up to embrace those changes and still live a productive life, whether they are impotent or not. They're just ungrateful bastards if you want my opinion.  It just looks bad to see a bunch of wheelchairs on the beach. It's an eyesore for the people who come here to relax.  


Down at Zushi, we got rid of the tattoos and losers to some extent, now we've got to look at them? Why do they  even come? With their useless legs and screechy voices. You don't see them anywhere else. But, here they come out in the heat like cockroaches. We Japanese usually like to keep our handicapped out of sight. They should be ashamed of their situation- it's a goddamn disgrace is what it is.

 You know, Kanagawa prefecture spent a fuckton of money putting ramps up all over the beach for these lazy fuckers, the least they could do is try and do some tricks on them for the kids or something. Those people are selfish in that way. What I mean is, it's not about ignoring the tragedy that maimed you, it's about finding the silver lining. Stay home and collect your benefits. Just shut the fuck up about it and stop complaining about your rights. They don't even work. I'm out here on the beaches busting my hump six days a week. Trying to keep these ungrateful, piece of shit kids safe.”

The need to post Instagram pics is stronger than the will to survive a rogue wave.

I also met the somewhat cockable and very drunk, Erina Kumagawa (24) from Ebisu. I wanted a woman's opinion on the topic.

"What do I know about wheelchairs? I could give two shits about those people. Those black, muscular guys over there are sort of my type, Prince. I think I like foreign guys more at this point in my life. Some limp dicked narcissist in a wheelchair must be annoying to deal with, right?  Anyway- size matters to me- but only if you're too big. I do like a good pounding... 

I discovered that I'm a bit of a masochist, I like pain in bed, but not the kind of pain that's created by a really large wiener. It's a real hassle and it really limits how rough you can go and what positions you can do. I guess an average-to-smallish- Japanese sized penis is more more versatile than a Mandingo sized penis. This guy I met at the Brazilian festival in Yoyogi Park last month, he gave me a urinary tract infection that I'm still dealing with. Huge. 

I'm going back into the water so I can piss again."

Erina and her even dumber friend, Miho will soon get what they deserve for ignoring Minoru's advice.

Minoru had to supervise the rescue the belligerent, young woman from Ebisu about 5 minutes later. She got caught in the rough waves and smashed into a wooden foot bridge. She later was diagnosed with a broken pelvis and ruptured spleen. Erina and her slutty friend ignored the many warnings to keep away from the waterline. Challenging the advice of Minoru's baby faced, 16 year old, junior lifeguards, to keep back minutes before. The rough sea taught her a lesson in violence that she won't soon forget.

The lovely Erina may be in a wheelchair for a while, the good news is she won't have much trouble finding a parking spot.

Minoru has no sympathy for Erina or any of those injured at the beach, or the handicapped wheelchair riding crew who come here.

" Fuck that little shiska and motherfuck those pricks in their wheelchairs. Why should they get special treatment? Assholes. Everyone is disabled, because nobody is perfect, right?. These 50 year old pick up artists with stupid nicknames- like Messhi or Beckman, or some other foreign sounding name, who can't have a functional relationship with a woman less than 25 years younger than them? Disabled.  The fat bastard who has to buy his clothes in the big man's shop? Disabled.

 

The chronic masturbator who can't get anything done? Disabled. Captain Ishihara (the head lifeguard) with his microphallus? Disabled. Although the rumor is that he eats pussy like a champ. That short legged, little bitch who has to wear huge heels so she doesn't look like one of Snow White's dwarves? Disabled!"

Ok, I get it Minoru....


  "I'm not finished. Our mayor's shlemiel sons who had everything handed to them on a golden platter? Disabled. I hate these spoiled rich kids.  The desperate Western men here like your friends over there, who think their dicks are so much thicker than ours, and are thus unable to empathize? Disabled. Where can we limit this?"

I don't really think you can compare a small penis to being confined to a wheelchair.

"Bobbymyseh, Prince!!! Yes I can. These wheelchair motherfuckers with their sense of entitlement. 'Me, me, me' , 'wah, wah, wah...' pricks. I don't think being a in a wheelchair is so bad. Loafing around all day, having someone wipe your ass. It sure as hell doesn't give you an interesting personality like they think it does. They're just a bunch of lazy, whiny cunts of you ask me. Sorry, but I can't respect some slothful putz with a stoma and a tube down his schvantz. Do you wanna swim in water with these creeps wearing their colostomy shit bags? 

What if it get's knocked off in the rough surf? Are you gonna go fetch it for him? I don't want his leaky shit bag in the water with me.  Kanagawa public pools won't allow those schlubs the water- it's gross.  No thanks, man. It's not only unsanitary, it's degrading for my staff who have to handle it. They also leak shit all over the sand.  And, I've had complaints. I could show you the log book of complaints about them. ”

In addition to dealing with the setting up the sand bags, Minoru's staff had to push the wheelchairs through the high surf.

You should really be more understanding. They must have a hard life. Imagine how challenging dating for them is, or  just trying to pick up a new lover. It's hard enough for able bodied people like you.

"Vey is mir! It's not hard for me, man. Some of these girls even like dating those nudniks. 90% of the sluts here won't even look at them, but some desperate, barren women who come here are into them. Maybe a fetish or just lack of options, low self esteem... I don't know. These guys always have women with them. Your wheels may narrow your dating pool, but they deepen it as well.  If you break up with a guy in wheelchair everyone will hate you."

Fuck the Shonan wheelchair contingent, the sexy and broken Erina, and everyone who didn't listen to Minoru's advice to go home, or at least keep away from the water. Running away from the rogue waves all day makes a man hungry. I'm gonna treat myself to a nice Chana Masala dinner near the station- where it's safe!