The Thai Festival from Hell

 The Yoyogi Park annual Thai festivals are huge, and the most popular of the Tokyo Parks festivals by far. Several other half assed ones, like the Sri Lanka and Laos festivals try to emulate the success, but always fail to even get a fraction of the attendance. They can still turn a profit for the organizers though. The Taiwan, Hokkaido, Brazilian and Jamaican festivals also do quite well. Tokyo people love them and seem as if they want more. August is usually available for small time promoters, as the heat and high humidity make outdoor activities intolerable. Usually August is reserved for little flea market type events.

My new friend Tomohiko "Tomo" Doi (39), is a new event producer I met last month. He loves Thailand and goes to Pattaya twice a year to visit his girlfriend, Nuch Love. She fell for him because he actually has an interest in her. All of the other Japanese customers like talking with the bar girls, but the conversations are just about themselves. Mere ego boosting. They don't care where the girl is from or if her family has a sick water buffalo. Nuch used to work in the world famous Baccara bar on Walking Street, one of the top go go bars for Japanese gentleman in Thailand, but she now gets by with an allowance from Tomo.

 His idea for a second annual Yoyogi Park Thai festival ( the Thai-Tokyo Friendship Fair)- unaffiliated with the Thai embassy, seemed like a no brainer. He invested his life savings to produce the independent Thai festival last weekend.

First time event producer, Tomohiko, is heavily in debt from the doomed Thai-Tokyo Friendship Fair.

It seems as if the festival was a bit of a dud. What went wrong?

Well Prince, it was no Fyre Festival, but it wasn't exactly Woodstock neither. 

August in Tokyo has no expectation of social activities, and there can be no expectation of gratitude. Like Jerry Garcia said,"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." A lot of shit went wrong. My Thai headliner said he got COVID and canceled two days before. I paid for his four non refundable business class tickets from Bangkok too. The Park Hyatt and least only charged me %25 for the rooms they canceled. That helps lessen the sting. 

 I was able to get ThaiPhucMam and Boss to fill in for only 100,000 yen, for both Saturday's closing slot and Sunday at 3pm. Have you heard of them? They live local, so only the performance fees and a car service to Chiba. I don't even think they have any fans here. They had a top 20 hit in Thailand in back 1988 or something.

I later heard the original act LazyLoxy didn't even have a passport and is underage. These scandalous kids who worked at my Thai restaurant last summer suggested him. They said he's one of the biggest Thai TikTokker rappers, I guess they got a good laugh at my expense.

 Then there was the weather. Super hot, so hot, almost 40°C on Saturday and no shade. The parks department charges extra for seats at the bandshell and shaded spots. I was already way over budget and passed on those options. Oh, and I think some pranksters took out the bridge into the park just to fuck with me. No bridge means I lost anyone coming in directly from Yoyogi Park's main area. That is a lot of lost foot traffic.

The main entrance to the festival's bridge was out. Tomo assumes it was to sabotage his event.

Last minute replacements for rising TikTok star, LazyLoxy- Japan residents, ThaiPhucMam and Boss tried hard to please the disappointed crowd.

Did you have any partners or sponsors?

None. The Thai Embassy refused, actually, they wouldn't return my repeated calls or emails. I sensed a conspiracy when no Thai restaurants would participate. Just some shit Saitama ghost kitchen I found on Uber Eats, and I had to pay them to come. They were selling some goods I didn't agree to. Like cigarettes and pushing their washed up girls, who moonlight as massage staff in Gotanda. 

I did get some food trucks I found on Facebook to come. I think 9 committed for the weekend, but only 4 came back on Sunday. None of them sold Thai food anyway. The parks commission made me give UNICEF a free spot. They were all demanding too. I had to give them 8 meal vouchers and pay for their van rental.

No friends or family wanted any involvement. They all said it was a stupid and expensive idea. None of my 'friends' even came. I wasn't born yesterday, I know they all laugh about my Thai girlfriend too. They think she's scamming me. Not all Thai ladies working in the bars are hooshers. I saved her. 

It was 40°C at Harajuku Station, causing some Thai food fans to tap out before leaving the station.

How was it promoted? Any advertising?

You ever hear of THREADS? It was this hot app like Twitter. Record downloads and sign ups in June. I spent a lot on that and paid an independent viral marketing guy I met at Anytime Fitness. He scammed me out of 100,000 too. No one uses that site. No retweets or likes or anything from THREADS. He talked me out of advertising with Instagram . I'm a moron, I know. Totally scammed me. Inside job? Does he have any connection to the regular Thai festival? He blocked me on LINE now. I can't wait to see him at the gym. Little cunt is probably avoiding me now. I don't want to even say his name.

At least the long lines for food were absent. The lines in June were endless.

Why are you so into Thailand anyway?

Oh, we Japanese love Thailand. The women and couples go for elephant ride selfies and the food. 95% of Japanese men who go without their wives are sex tourists. We also have more money than you. Sure, the yen is weak right now, the recession hit the blue collar losers very hard, but mid career salarymen, that have steady jobs and ain't deep in debt are doing fine. Yes, the US dollar is strong now, but Thailand is too far for them, and the backpacker types who read The Beach too many times are interested in the lame Khao San Road scene and smoking marijuana all day.

The yen is still strong against the baht. Also, most of Western male sex tourists come from blue collar jobs, bus or taxi driver types, while the majority of Japanese men come from lifetime white collar jobs.

 How many badly tattooed and morbidly obese mongers in soccer jerseys are professional business people? They're two week millionaires and can go on vacation to Thailand 2 or even 3 times a year. They're sad sack pieces of shit in their hometowns. The local women probably laugh at them and the sex tours they take to Thailand. Japanese people don't look at it that way.

 We Japanese take a weeklong vacation abroad once a year. This is either with our family or company friends and boss. Japanese whoremongers you see are on vacation with our cult-like company coworkers. Oh, I know they tell the family it's a business trip and they play golf on the day off. They leave the golf clubs in a storage locker in the airport. It's straight to the bars. No time for the beach, golf or day trips to take photos with sedated tiger cubs. You won't see any groups of Japanese men on that day trip to James Bond Island in Phuket.

So Japanese men go to Thailand mainly as sex tourists?

 Correct! We are also used to much higher prices for sex, so when white guys think they're being big shots getting a threesome with some 'past their prime' freelancers from Insomnia (a Pattaya disco), comparatively we're still getting a bargain with that 8 from Thermae (freelancer bar) in Bangkok. We don't come to Thailand to be cheap, we come to enjoy ourselves as much as possible in a shorter amount of time. The Koreans are the same. Don't get me started on those creepy Indians.

Our sex industry is huge. Tokyo alone has a sex industry bigger and more diverse than all of Thailand combined. If you think Nana Plaza or Soi Cowboy are great? Try going to Kabuki-cho, but only if you're East Asian looking and speak Japanese well.

 

One of the Saitama's top Thai delivery, ghost kitchens, provided authentic "Japanese style" Thai food.

 They also provided authentic Thai cigarettes and haggling practice.

Isn't your girlfriend a Thai lady?

She's an exception. Most of us aren't dumb enough to be looking for a girlfriend in Thailand. Japanese relationships are very defined by society. We go for bar girls for one reason. To stay with them for a whole night would be a total rookie mistake and ridiculous. White boys, or total Japanese losers in Pattaya for the first time often do this. 

I've seen them spend a whole week with one, even taking them on trips, truly pathetic. I'm a rare exception, but most Japanese would never introduce a Thai girl as a 'girlfriend'. Any Japanese man with a Thai or Filipino wife is automatically assumed to have met her via prostitution. Remember, we Japanese are even more racist than Donald Trump!

Tomohiko was only able to rent out 9 of 48 available spots. He's on the hook for the unsold spots.

The lack of interest from Thai artists meant some local up and coming, underground idol groups could get some stage time

Were the musical artists you booked good at least?

No. Almost all volunteers. Thais who live here mainly and did crap karaoke. I couldn't find any cheap local Thai acts. Only ThaiPhucMam and Boss were pros. They were supposed to promote it on their Facebook page, I guess no one reads their page. I don't think Japanese people even use Facebook anymore. 

I had the idea to book a couple of underground Japanese idol groups, as they have small followings. They drew in at least 15 guys. It kind of ruined the authenticity I was looking for. But, they worked for free and bought in some fans, so I guess it was acceptable.

Tomo ran a terrible Thai shop at the beach last summer.

You've got a background in the restaurant business, surely the authentic Thai food was good.

 No, I'm a failure as a restauranteur and have no sense in how the food business works. I went in blind so I'd have something to do, and maybe get laid by some Shonan beach sluts. The part timer Kanagawa yanqui kids I hired to run the shop were robbing customers. They would overcharge any naive foreigners or drunks and pocket the difference. Some big nosed American went to the cops and I had to pay huge fines the beach house association.

 The food was crap too. Constant complaints the food was cold or rotten, and usually took at least 30 minutes for those lazy idiots to prepare anything. I lost at least two million and hundreds of hours of my time and stress on that failed venture.

Mean spirited Instagrammers called it "#The_Thai_Festival_Nobody_Asked_For" and "#What_a_ Thai_festival_in_Hell_would_look_like".

By 1pm it was 39°C, the attendees could enjoy a very up close and personal live experience with the artists, where the shade was.

By 4pm the crowd filled in a bit. They left soon after the steamy rain started at 4:10.

The original festival in June was too crowded as usual, It was hard to get food and difficult to watch any of the acts onstage due to crowds. Your's was better in that sense.

 Thanks. Many people on Twitter called it the "Poor Man's Thai Festival", at least that means people were aware to some extent. But, yeah, that is true. But I got royally fucked, man. The embassy, the parks commission, that little cunt social media advertising genius who focused on fucking THREADS, The shit Thai TikTok kid who canceled. Even fucking UNICEF. Even the weather was unbearable.

 And my fucking prostate issue. I had piss stains all over my pants for the two days. I had to carry a folder in front of it and look natural, like I always have a folder in front of my crotch. I wasn't fooling nobody. I heard some giggles and caught some people taking pics at my expense. Sorry, I have pissing issue. Get over it, people. Japan sells more adult diapers than for infants, in case you didn't know.

The official Thai festival in June had a big, fun LGBTQ+ turnout, Tomohiko's did not.

You seem pretty open minded, have you ever treated yourself to a Thai ladyboy?

C'mon man, do I look gay to you? We Japanese will not tolerate ugly or ill mannered Thai whores or rent boys, if you will, because we can get better. Sure, a Thai soapy massage is OK, but a Soapland in Japan is much more refined and costs the equivalent of more than 50,000 baht per session. We even sell magazines in convenience stores reviewing the sex shops.

The Official festival had interesting pop artists from Thailand. Tomo's did not.


How much did this experience cost you?

Fuck man, basically all my inheritance from my dad. I could have retired in Thailand on that money. Maybe gotten a small condo in Jomiten, that's were the sexpats live, it's only like 5 minutes from the action in Pattaya. It sounds way better than saying you live in 'Pattaya' though. Jomiten is only known to other perverts or people who are familiar with the area. If you tell people you go to Pattaya it sends all kinds of red flags.

Maybe I could have opened a little bar there. I always wanted a 'Japanese Only' place on Soi 6 for the Japanese market.

Tokyo's Parks Commission is a scam. Due to the heat, they made me pay time and a half for their workers to set up and then disassemble 48 vendor stalls, with union electricians and everything. My blood was boiling. Two days to assemble and then another day to tear down the 95% I didn't rent out. The bandshell rental for two days, cleaning staff, garbage staff, the volunteer coordinator, security- and I didn't see one guard the whole weekend, the vendor space I had to rent and then sublet for two days, 25% of that fucking TikTok rich kid's hotel fees- three rooms! Three! His airfare for his entourage, The rip off insurance and bond. Endless costs, Prince. I'd like to know who's pocket this money ended up in.

It's just too overwhelming for a single businessman to do on his own. You need a team with some backing. It cost me my mental health too. I'm gonna be feeling this one for a while. I'm tempted to just disappear.

June's festival was heavily promoted by the Thai embassy on Instagram. Tomohiko's was not.

Well, at least with the smaller turnout you had fewer problems, right?

Wrong! The vendors were furious and demanding refunds for the rental space, saying I mismanaged the event and didn't fulfill their expectations. The shitty ghost kitchen was dealing duty free cigarettes illegally, an artist manager was caught peeping as the underage idols were getting changed backstage. The local idol groups were terrible too. Sounded like cats being tortured... 'cute-ish' at least. It was probably their first show.  

There was no toilet paper provided by the park, as I forgot to ask for it. The PA sucked, the  mandatory sound man who cost 300,000 was missing half the time. He's another union guy Tokyo made me use, so I can't even complain. He was good at his job when I could find him. Remember, I'm trying to deal with this crap while in agony due to a full bladder that is filling faster than it can drain.

The TomYum soup really blew up his prostate for a few days.




I saw you had real Thai people at the one Thai food stand. How'd they do?

 Those shifty fucks ain't even a real restaurant. They're from a poorly review ghost kitchen in Kawaguchi. I think they mainly sell cheap Thai cigarettes they import somehow. The food sucked too. I ate a bowl of their TomYum soup on Saturday, and my prostate blew up to the size of a life preserver. I don't really agree with spicy food.

  I was in an out of the toilet all weekend. Sitting on the hot toilet like a woman, nothing coming out, sweating bullets. Just a couple drops every few seconds. At one point I thought I'd need a catheter. Fortunately, it passed, at least the point were I could partially void my bladder.


Oy vey!


 It was horrible Prince, horrible. I needed to fashion an ass napkin that went all the way up the front to soak up any slow dribbles.  This is all happening while I'm trying to supervise the event. The heat was oppressive and I was hesitant to drink any water, as it would have made the piss situation even more worse. It was the hottest Tokyo weekend in the past 35 years. It felt like being in front of a hair dryer.

The Authentic "Japanese Style" Thai food was more like a Mexican-Indian fusion. 

Will you try again next year?

It's the ingratitude of the local people, performers and workers that gets me. I'm on the fence now. I'll definitely volunteer for the official one in June to see if I can pick up any inside scoops, maybe make some connections on the DL. There's a lot I don't know. Maybe I'll fly my girlfriend over to volunteer too. She can make some connections with the Thais here. They'd respect her cause her boyfriend is a real Japanese businessman. She can speak English somewhat. That's how we communicate. 

She LINEs me a lot. She sometimes calls me 'Tatsuya' and 'Tomonori' for some reason. I think Thai people don't see the difference with 'T' names. My name's right on the top of the goddamn text though. I guess she had to remember a lot of customers names when she danced in the bar. She lives a quiet life now as a tour guide thanks to my generous monthly allowance. Her family in Issan are really looking forward to meeting me someday.

Authentic Thai export quality Japanese cigarettes were available behind the ghost kitchen.

Fuck the Thai Embassy, THREADS, the people who didn't come, the TikTok rich kid who screwed him, and motherfuck Tomo's prostate that made his life hell for the hottest weekend in 35 years.