Shitworkers Of Japan Series: No Metal, No Wife

 Medical supply salesman, Tomohisa Katsurei is only 36 and burnt out. He has a torn ACL that will require surgery to repair and hasn't made a sale in a 3 months. 

Before he got caught in a mosh, Tomohisa could keep up with any headbanger in Japan

Heavy Metal music is the only thing that keeps him from killing himself these days. His Korean boss bullies him. He has no girlfriend and a bleak future. He still pays full price for Metal CD's ( like most Japanese) because he is fearful of Japan's harsh downloading laws. He takes regular trips to Nagoya and Osaka on overnight buses, and he stays in capsule hotels or manga cafes- which are even cheaper. On an entertainment level his life is a 10, on a professional level his life is a 2. Overall,  his life sucks.

Where do you get the money to regularly come to live concerts so far from Tokyo?

I sit at a desk all day making cold calls that promote cosmetic penis surgery. It's a struggle all day and I feel like slitting my wrists in the tub every night. These metal events are the only time I can really let my hair down and be myself. I've got a little network of friends I only see at the shows, mostly dudes. Tokyo is pretty hurting as far as the metal scene goes.

The tumble from this height blew out Tomohisa's ACL but good!

Nagoya is THE METAL capital of Japan. A lot of foreign metal bands don't even come to Tokyo, it's a waste of time and expensive. Last month Exciter from Canada was here and didn't bother with Tokyo, so Tomohisa had to go down there. A couple years ago Celtic Frost came and also blew off Tokyo. Japanese metal fans don't know why they have Loud Park in Tokyo ( actually Saitama). It should be in Nagoya- maybe Osaka. Tokyo sure don't deserve it, the metal fans here are a bunch poseurs. They like the Dir En Gray pretty boy bullshit. Real headbangers don't listen to that crap.


The club-thumbed metalhead spends hour after hour in hospital waiting rooms. He is waiting for a chance to chat with a physician for just a couple minutes to make his pitch. Not having tits in situations like this is a real handicap.  As an added bonus, he can't use his smartphone or laptop in the hospital - as per the rules.  He has to re-read the daily newspaper or magazine for up to 10 hours a day.

What's your job like?

Well, I can't lie. I do a lot of sitting around. I'm in charge of Circumstraint, GOMCO Clamp and Plastibell sales for all of Japan. It sounds good but trying to sell this shit here is like trying to squeeze water from a rock. There's just no market for it. My boss tells me to keep trying. The tricky part of medical device sales is applying everything that you learned in training to the operating room, at the same time as you're learning how to add value to surgeons, staff while helping to improve patient outcomes. I don't get to see the operating room though, the surgery is so rare that I've only seen the procedure on Youtube.

Tomohisa's high quality goods are failing to catch on in Japan's stubborn medical community.

I go from hospital to hospital all week and I can't even get meetings with the staff 90% of the time. I spend my sales trips sitting in  a friggin'  Denny's playing with my phone for hours when I should be selling. My goddamn boss, Choi san says that I'm a failure, useless and just not trying hard enough. The fucking doctors act like I'm pushing shock treatment or lobotomies on their patients. They don't want to hear about the benefits of my products and the simple surgery we're promoting. It could be very lucrative for everyone involved. The Japanese medical world is so close minded.

Your boss sounds like a real cunt.

Oh, he is. But, he started out doing the same thing in Korea in the early 1990's and made a fortune for the company. I just don't think there's any need for this stuff here, he's so stubborn... He won't listen to reason. The sales girl we have in Seoul does really well with selling this shit for some reason- and I get compared to her every at every staff meeting.

He gives the cute new recruit, Imai chan, the Coloplast Self-Cath Catheter to sell, that shit sells like pancakes here- with the aging population and all. That stuff sells itself, they call HER and ask to buy.

He never bullies her like he does to me. He also always takes her out to expensive dinners while I'm in the office eating cup noodles.
   She get s nice commission on every sale and I get totally screwed. She's an attractive young lady too, and it would be so easy for her to get a meeting with the doctors. 

All these doctors in charge of buying are horny bastards and always put the moves on sales reps. Urologists are the worst. They look at a bunch of old geezer's shriveled dicks all day. Imai's pert little tits and satchet ass must drive those creepy, wiener doctors nuts.

Can you make a living? Do you get a base salary before the commission?

I only got about 3,500 yen last month from my one sale. I get about 200,000 a month base pay- which is OK for a guy like me with very low rent and no girlfriend. I live pretty cheaply. I treat myself to ramen about 3 or 4 nights a week and I also get a lot of stuff from the supermarket after 9 when the price goes down. I don't mind, but Imai san made over 500,000 in commission last month alone, and she's only 25 and lives at home. 

Tomohisa's boss sent him on a sales call to a sub zero and icy Hokkaido last week as punishment for his poor performance.

Maybe my boss is right, I'm just not cut out for medical sales.

Our average reps make a memorable first impression. Great GOMCO clamp sales reps usually do that, but they always wear out their welcome over time. Why? Their concern for the customers is not real, and surgeons don't come to value the sales person as much and sometimes more than the Circumstraint device itself. 

It's just a little snip, it's painless and has lifelong health benefits. These fucking stupid doctors won't listen to me though. Unless I had a pussy. 

Doctors are the biggest perverts in Japan,  just ask any nurse. They spent so much time studying in their youth that they feel entitled to premium snatch.  We male medical supply salesman have to be pretty damn charming and always bearing gifts.  The gals just need to be flirtatious and show some leg or cleavage.

While Tomohisa was freezing his nuts off in Hokkaido, Imai chan was networking at the International Urologist's Seminar in sunny Okinawa.

I made a sale for about 50,000 yen in December to some new hospital in Nagasaki, they have a lot of foreigners living there who might request the stuff, and a big budget from that let's Rebuild Japan Fukushima tax scam thing we've go going on. They're spending that money on all sorts of shit not related to rebuilding Fukushima at all. I think a lot of that dough went to right wing groups and the whaling program, I also heard a lot went to Vietnam to pay for a bunch of TEPCO nuclear committee bureaucrat's luxury housing, whores and security fee's.

Well, you seem to be having a good time at the metal shows you're going to. Life is not a total loss.

This is true. No metal, no life. Anyway, I need to save up some dough for Ozzfest in May. It's 2 days and 17,000 yen each day. Then, I'll have to drop about 20,000 on limited edition Ozzfest goods too. Plus, I wanna get a room cause it's way the fuck out in Chiba at Makuhari Messe. It's a long trip from my house and I wanna see every band. Actually, day 1 is pretty cool, Maximum The Hormone, Slash and Slipknot. Day 2 is Black Sabbath- my all time favorite and a bunch of crummy 80's Japanese metal bands that no one has cared about for years. 

Tomohisa's able bodied pals are getting psyched for Ozzfest Japan!

The lineup is pathetic. Coldrain? Anthem? What is that shit? Nobody cares about that crap except for their own families. I guess Black Sabbath took all the budget for day 2. Why couldn't they just make it one day with the good bands? It's like a big “fuck you!' to the Japanese metal fans.

Nagoya: The Rock Capital Of Japan

 

Any plans for the near future?

There's a small cover show in Yotsuya Outbreak on Sunday. A Def Leppard and a John Sykes tribute band playing if you're down. Anyway, my knee is really fucked up from that last show at Hatsudai Wall. I fell and then it got stomped on by some big, foreign skinheads. I need surgery and two weeks off to recover before I can get off these crutches. My boss knows this,  but sends me out to snowy areas to do door to door sales calls at urology clinics in the middle of nowhere. 


What do you think you'll be up to when I see you at Ozzfest in May?


I hope to have finished my manifesto, and I really want to meet a cool metal chick and settle down already. I'm 36 and not getting any younger. If Imai chan liked metal or even hard rock, I might consider asking her out on a date. She'd probably be able to learn a lot about life from an older, more experienced guy like myself. Guys her age are lame.

Fuck Tomohisa's genital mutilation advocating boss and that young, sexy bitch Imaichan. And motherfuck the false metal posuers of Tokyo. I'm gonna buy this poor SOB a nice dinner.