Deep Inside The Flappy Birds Cafe

In order to survive in the theme cafe business you need to sell your own private quirks to the customer who is greedy for more and more unusual themes. In Tokyo's competitive theme cafe culture, you can become successful by selling your own private quirks to the public. In Tokyo you must expertly erect the walls to reinforce your own quirky vulnerability. The maid (and butler, to a small extent) cafes did this in the early 2000's by turning the whole thing into a monumental bad joke. 

Tokyo's maid cafe scene is over-saturated and played out.

After university, Satoru Iishi (30) got a job in sales at a large electronics maker. He found Japanese corporate culture too cult-like for his tastes.

“It was basically a big, corporate cult that was dedicated to making money for the shareholders. We had to live together in dorms and all our friends are from the cult. It's frowned upon to have friends, or to socialize with people who don't work with you in Japanese corporate culture. They move us away from our hometowns and brainwash us. We had to wear company pins on our suits and worship the elders like gods... Shit pay too. You don't get a decent salary until you're well over 30."

How was your life as a salaryman?


"They had me stationed out in a dormitory in rural Yamaguchi prefecture. A bunch of horny young men with no outlet. We couldn't make choices for our own lives. Not a woman under 40 for miles.

I served as the sexual liberator for those who were under the thumb of this castrating system.  I opened their eyes to a repressive system that was only interested in controlling us while we were single. I would show pornographic movies in my room using the company's projector. The company wanted us to meet some ditzy OL and marry her. I don't want to be a dull, ineffectual married suburbanite.  

It wasn't for me and I left after five long years.
I was at war with my company and the quickest way to end a war is to lose it.

 I love nature so I opened my owl cafe. I hope the shop can raise awareness about the plight of the owls in the rain forests. I also wanted to be my own boss."

Owls are good fortune in Japan and owls are the mascot of Ikebukuro. This was a million dollar business idea! He invested his life savings and Crazy Birds Cafe opened it's doors on December 15^th, and has been struggling to stay afloat ( He changed the name to Flappy Birds Cafe on March 1st). Satoru had never worked in the service industry, but was passionate about being a  cafe customer and loves owls.

First off, where do you get these birds?

"An old Chinaman I got connected with down in Yokohama supplies me cheap. These rare owls are illegal to import- but not illegal to own. One of my friends from school is type of lawyer I think.  He gave me a few hours of his time to advise me. Also, I got this idea from a shop in Osaka that does pretty well with these owls. I read about it in a men's magazine last year and got inspired. 

The birds only cost from about 25,000 to 200,000 for Samson, my biggest. I've lost about six due to various bad situations. Seven if you count Taro chan, who escaped on his second day, he was an American barn owl. I always want at least five active birds for the customers."

These motherfuckers never learn.....

Some of the Flappy Birds Cafe's customers and online reviewers are miserable wretched dogs, the pariahs of Japan. These people will generally try to block anything Satoru tries to accomplish on his own. They resent him for his accomplishment, and this is why Flappy Birds Cafe will never live up to their expectations. Satoru is the only real man in this business, all the rest of the are faggots , sissies or corporate shills. With the possible exception of the Crazy Fantasy Manga Cafe, where his best friend works.

Are you nervous about your customers getting sick from all the shit and feathers flying around? I found a feather in my milk tea last time I was here.

Nobody listens to me anyway....Fuck'em if they get sick. I'm not their dad. I tell you people that you can only be with the owls for 5 minutes, but you all always go over time. I've got my hands full preparing and serving food, making drinks and trying to run this place by myself. I'm the only one working on the weekday shifts. I can't keep track of time and chase these assholes out of the petting area every time, too. It's the customers responsibly [sic] to get the hell out on time.

    These Saitama dipshits, they deserve whatever they get. I tell them day after day, hour after hour, again and again, that they can't take photos. I tell them not to try and scare them and spin the bird's heads all the way around- some of these teenagers nearly killed Samson on Friday night by twisting his head, he bit of of those meddling kids. Samson is the most popular of my birds. He's in a lot of selfies on Facebook and Twitter, #samsontheowl, so I know who the offenders are. I use social media and I'll ban the offenders if they repeat these actions.

Do you explain the rules to every customer?

"Yes! Over and over and over. They never learn though. I have alcohol pumps to disinfect the customers hands before and after they handle the birds. Half the customers just ignore them. Selfies ain't allowed either, they count as photos and photos scare the birds.  I also tell these imbeciles that 5 minutes maximum is the law because of this new owl flu that may starting to become a problem.... It goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I think they're just fucking with me and trying to get me to snap."


 Other than the owl flu, are the owls dangerous?

   "They really don't like cigarette smoke. But, I allow smoking for the sake of the business.  If you smoke near them they might start violently flapping their wings and sqwacking. Besides intentionally shitting on you, they bite, but usually at night when the customers are gone. One thing you can do is ignore it instead of reinforcing it. Take the bite like a man at first. Don't pull away because it could tear your skin. My hands are all scarred up as you can see.

What I do with my owls is give them a quick, swift blow of air in their faces to associate discomfort with biting me, and it also distracts them enough to let go. Once they let go, I back off.  Then, I ask myself what I did just before they bit me and make note that they don't like it. Anyway, they're pretty docile in the daytime when we're open. They get fierce after midnight."

You were featured on an Australian TV program last month, do many foreigners visit?

"Sadly, they do. Today this really ugly British couple came in, and she was being a real cunt and bitched about everything possible, from some of the owls sleeping to the price of drinks to previous bad experiences they'd had in Japan. Then they demanded a vegetarian lunch. I only have wieners, chicken nuggets and a doria with bacon. All the food is frozen.

 I buy the doria frozen with bacon and I can't go picking it out by hand while I'm running everything by myself. I have a rule that you have to order one dish and one drink so they hassled me about that, like it's some sort of privilege to have them in my shop.  I let them just order drinks to shut them up.

 

Then they started using the flash and the birds freaked out.  When this numbskull ordered his drink he told me about five times that he wanted it extra hot. Then with each subsequent reminder he was more belligerent with his approach and more condescending, it was like the first four times would be lost on me and I'd forget. I was so annoyed with his attitude that I made his drink as hot as possible, really hot. I hope he burnt his complaining white tongue!"

Do any American military types come in here?

"I believe in equality for everyone except foreigners and the handicapped.  We are on the third floor with a small elevator so wheelchairs can't come, but unfortunately army guys have come. These foreigners walking around Japan are, effectively, humans with lower intelligence, lower inhibitions, and completely weaponized bodies. 
They come in with slutty Japanese whores. The military groupie type gals with STDs you see down at Zushi beach. Then they translate everything I say in English back in English to these muscle bound, tattooed subhumans. Showing off they can speak English well. That's what pisses me off the most. 

I speak English fluency as you know. I don't need these dirty bitches re-explaining the rules I just told them. These animals really fuck with the birds,too. Shouting and tossing them around the shop like toys. They scare my Japanese customers. You have to keep a close eye on them, especially the colored ones. They're like little children and the Japanese women who adore them and their thick cocks are like their pathetic mothers."

 

Satoru tells these ham and eggers every goddamn day that there are "NO FUCKING PHOTOS!!" 

 

 Is it relevant when a possible new strain of avian influenza lingers in the Flappy Birds Cafe for this long? If it sustains zoonotic transmission to humans for much longer it will inevitably become transmissible- if it hasn't already. That's the main concern. Because it maybe a novel strain with both upper and lower respiratory receptor binding it will probably cause suffering in about a third of the infected population with fatalities in a fraction of the young and old. Contrast to seasonal type A and B influenza with strictly upper respiratory binding that typically kills the elderly- who need thinning out anyway.  

 

                           Samson  (the #1 owl) was nearly decapitated by tipsy teenagers on Friday. 

Are you worried about getting the new owl influenza?

"Not really.. Kind of.... I've been feeling like shit for a couple weeks now.  High fever, bloody diarrhea and waves of nausea, but not confirmed owl influenza, but flu like symptoms. In reality, flu like symptoms rarely turn out to be indicative of actual influenza. You're definitely betting on good odds if you treat it with vitamin C pills and lots of natto. I think working in my shop with the birds is making my immune system stronger. I'm no doctor but I don't think my fever,  diarrhea and vomiting have any connection with the owl flu.
I always say, 'the soul is healed by being with owls'

Is it so bad? If we keep containing this so called, 'owl influenza' , don't we then risk a super bug? I say that because nature is not stupid. Everything has a purpose, like a fire clearing old brush... I know it sounds brutal... but maybe by trying to save the Japanese people, we are also killing everyone else"

This business is slowly killing him.

You look like your in great pain and very uncomfortable with this work. Do you regret entering the restaurant business?

"Look, Prince, I know I'm not the best looking guy. I'm in a lot of debt and working my ass off trying to wear every hat in this place. I'm new to all this business. My part time staff, Mayu, just texted me that she can't work this weekend. She's going snowboarding with some old Frenchman who came in the shop last week, and he was with another cute, young Japanese girl too. I get bossed around by teenage customers...

 Anyone who tells you being your own boss is great is lying if they're in the restaurant business.  I work over 100 hours a week right now. Living with my parents, I never get laid, I've lost several good friendships and my dignity. But I still have my dream."

 

Satoru had to get off the train well before his stop to get rid of the poison. Many commuters watched in disgust.

The Flappy Birds Cafe is hemorrhaging money. This is due to several factors. Mainly his expensive rental costs in Ikebukuro and distance from the station. Rumors of a deadly owl influenza, unruly customers, local crime family extortion and a lack of experience are all factors in the lack of profit so far.  Since 2011, Tokyo law also forbids any type of business involving animals to operate after 8pm. Since owls are nocturnal, this is the biggest hurdle to overcome.

"Maybe if I raise my cover charge to 8,000-10,000 yen for 90 minutes I might be able to sustain- maybe. There's no room in my budget for veterinary care, so some of my birds are sickly looking. I really had no right getting into this business but I'm not throwing in the towel yet. My father just lent me about 5,000,000 yen to help me get by until I can fix my broken business plan."

 

 

 

 

 

When Satoru has time, the fish dinner is on me.

Fuck the foreign tourists who bust Satoru's balls when they come in, and the thick as shit customers who can't follow simple instructions. I'm gonna take my friend out for a meal when he gets over his flu.

 

UPDATE:  On March 1st, Satoru has officially changed the name of Crazy Birds Cafe to Flappy Birds Cafe as part of his business restructuring plan. His lawyer type friend thought Angry Birds Cafe would invite legal trouble.