The Wheelchair Motherfuckers of Ozzfest Japan

Fuck yeah!  Ozzy was in Tokyo but many doubted he had any clue about where the fuck he was.

It was the worst Ozzfest lineup ever. Day one was acceptable with Slipknot, Slash, the sexy Japanese idols- MOMOIRO CLOVER Z

and the ugly, Maximum The Hormone.  But day two was total shit. It was a real fuck you to Japanese metalheads.  A real mash up of Japanese nobodies.  Most of these bands would be lucky to be laying for 20 people any other time.   

The insulting second day had senior citizen novelty act-人間椅子, a weak  Ministry rip off act, AA=, the faggotty
  Coldrain and the pathetic, poor man's LOUDNESS- Anthem, filling out 4 big slots that could have gone to something cool from overseas.  Black Sabbath even shortchanged their fans by only playing their shortened "Festival Set" for about 70 minutes- 10 of which went to their scab drummer, inexplicably playing a mind- numbingly boring solo.

This handicapable headbanger can walk as well as anyone else here. The rental chair assures him a good view and quick access to the toilets.

There is a Japanese fetish for those who love partners in wheelchairs, tirekamu. They desire a lover who they can really manhandle and swing those useless radish roots they call legs around like they were nothing. Many 'normal' couples do this during lovemaking by playing dead or going limp and let their lover have their way with them. The chances of a chick into metal also having this fetish are very slim.

Getting dibbs in the wheelchair section means you'll be close to the action, without having to deal with the sweaty riff raff jockeying for position near the stage.

Disfigured Japanese Metal fan, Wataru Saito (44) was severely crippled after a failed suicide attempt in his high school days. In constant pain, he can get around slowly on crutches. He has some brain damage to his front cerebral cortex, which leaves his mouth hanging open all the time. If that wasn't bad enough, he also has Crohn's Disease. He feels he has a better chance for catching the eye of a sexy lady at today's event if he's with the common fans.

"Yeah, the lineup on day two sucks a dick. I got other problems though. My colostomy bag emits a constant odor, like bacon fried in piss, and then don't get me started on the diabetic foot rot odor I got coming out of my boots. So dating a hot metal slut is tough, I take what I can get. Japanese women are definitely charmed, but totally romantically uninterested. If I ask them out too early, well, it's as with any guy, it rarely works. 

If I get to know a cashier, say, in the supermarket, then ask her out, she'll look shocked that that's plausible, despite the fact that I've been flirting with her every damn time I buy something!

So I usually go with the as of yet unsuccessful befriend-her-until-she-realizes-that-you're-her-everything policy." 

Had this KO'ed fan pretended to be crippled, he'd be mackin' in the good seats.

 

Japanese women are often too ashamed to be seen with a handicapped date in public. Pushing a date around in a wheelchair draws a recalculus amount of attention. A super obese partner would be less of a concern for stares, giggles and double takes.

The best seats in the house went to the wheelchair posse.

Wataru has some more shocking info. He gave the inside scoop on the fakes, phonies and frauds in Japan's live concert scene.

"There are about 10 heavy metal rockers at Ozzfest in wheelchairs and at least 8 of them are well known FRIPPLES- fakes! I know this as a fact. They just wanted the premium seating that being in a wheelchair gives them access to.  One of them was boasting about it online, and talking shit about how he's going to that Michael Jackson Cirque de Soleil thing next weekend for free."

Free?!?!


  "Since 2010, the Chiba prefectural office requires that all those in wheelchairs are given 2 free tickets  (one for their handler) to any event in Chiba that holds over 5,000 people. They are also given a special area to mack in. So, I get in to all the big events for free. But I never sit with those jackasses."

This open minded, Japanese metal priestess will have to stand with the rest of the losers.

If you're really into metal, wouldn't you like to sit in the handicapped area?

"Ozzfest Japan is a semi-hot ticket and the wheelchair corner here is a prime viewing spot. Actually about 5 meters closer to the stage than the super VIP area. Not to mention the mint handicapped bathroom with no lines! Assistants and handlers can use them too, after they face their useless client against the wall so they can relieve themselves without being leered at.

Ozzfest Day 2 was heavy on the local Japanese bands. The bulk on the tickets sales went to pay Ozzy, leaving little money for anything else worthwhile.

Yeah, the seats are great but you can't exactly roll up to a hot chick and chat her up, talking to a creep in a wheelchair -or in permanent use forearm crutches, causes a whole new level of social embarrassment.

This fan is really in a wheelchair. The highly customized chair is the clue.

Anyway, being crippled forces you to develop a personality that will break through all the isolating aspects of being disabled. You actually work 10 times harder than other people to pull off a basic social engagement, let alone lift a sandwich to your lips."

Did you ever get laid before you jumped off the roof of the school years ago?

"I was too young to be any type of cocksman in 1986. I've been like this since then. It's sort of like planning an economy versus just letting it be a free market. Most people can forget about the most basic of tasks, but being disabled means coordinating EVERYTHING. It's stressful as hell. It only pays off when you want to go to a popular live music event.

I do get very frustrated with my failures in the world of romance. There's so much more I have to plan out to even make it possibly happen.

Plus I listen to too much good music like Van Halen and Steel Panther, which some say makes me an overly glam rock, faggott cocksucker. I don't want to make love and intimacy such a huge goal in my life, but it is, and not having any is lame."


  Fuckable Japanese women are almost always selfish and shallow . You move on and find someone ugly and unwanted who can look past it. Don't let a medical condition define who you are.

Although he is eligible for the mint handicapped seating, Wataru chooses to hang out with the common people

 

"Good point, Prince. And, yeah, I do have some real disabled guy metal friends who think just the way you are right now, and I try to tell them this same thing and they say it's different for girls too. But on the other hand I have other disabled male friends who have no trouble at all attracting girlfriends - not because they are astonishingly good looking or rich or super fucking smart -  it's more because they're relaxed enough with their disabilities to actually just be themselves, and get on with their lives. I'm trying to do that too. Man, I gotta stop obsessing over this shit."

 

 This morbidly obese guard took the "NO PHOTOS" rule a bit too seriously.

Another new friend, part-time, pompadoured security guard, Takahiko Imai (31), spent the past 2 days working at Ozzfest Japan. It was hard work, but the guards worked in shifts and had a sweet break room to eat the unlimited curry rice, drink unlimited green tea and make fun of the paying customers. 

If you're not into metal, you are not my friend.

The 180 kilo guard is a fan of popular metal music, anime and pro wrestling.  He is also single and gets some disability benefits due to his enormous size. He is unable to stand for over 90 minutes and would actually be eligible for the handicapped seats himself. The bands on the bill were a bit too heavy for him. But, he did like seeing the many sexy female fans in attendance.

How did a man of your carriage get this job? It seems like an odd choice. You can barely move...

""I..... I ... don't know. I think I might actually enjoy the humiliation. My family tells me that we should accept the person for their personality rather than their weight..
Accepting them is a lot easier than getting yourself to sleep with them...

Besides, that's just something fat people say. I will NEVER refer to myself as manly or big-boned, though I do feel there is some truth to that... I  do seem to have a larger bone density... or any of those other stupid 'beautifying names'. 


The thing that annoys me is when I do refer to my weight, I use the word fat....and then I get told, 'You're not a fat piece of shit, you're portly.' or 'You're not fat, you shouldn't say things like that about yourself.' I know I'm a fucking mess. Losing the weight is like walking upstream. The current keeps trying to pull me under......   The temptations are always there. There's a goddamn Krispy Kreme that opened up near my station. It's so hard to walk by it." 


I think a lot of Japanese gals like big boys like you.  Do you date at all?

"Well, I want a real relationship, I don't find pornography nearly as satisfying as other Japanese men do. All these geeks can be satisfied with virtual girlfriends and adult videos. The atmosphere and overall context turn me on just as much. Translation- candles and soft metal ballads in the background. And, I AM NOT going to light candles and play Jon Bon Jovi unplugged by myself...  That's very strange to me. Bon Jovi is a real cock softener to me anyway."

Wataru wasn't bullshitting. After the show 80% of the handicapable wheelchair motherfuckers were able to stand and pose for a group photo.



Sweet baby Jesus! These two new friends of mine are bumming me out. Fuck the poser cripples, Fuck the promoter who put such a shitty line up together for day 2, Fuck the metal sluts who are too good for a guy on crutches or in a wheelchair, Fuck the security that wouldn't allow photos, and God bless Ozzy Osbourne. I gotta go to town on my fish dinner.